Boundaries vs. Requests: How to Set & Enforce A Boundary

Briana Volpintesta
Written By Briana Bogue Volpintesta, PhD, LMFT

“Boundary” has become a buzzword, but it is sometimes misused. It’s important that we understand what a boundary is and what it is not. People get confused about setting boundaries by asking other people to do/not do something. For example: ”Please do not call me after 10 pm.” That is a request, not a boundary. A boundary only pertains to what you can control: yourself! Your behavior and your responses to others’ behavior are what you can use to set boundaries. For example, I will not answer my phone after 10 PM. That is the boundary. So whether someone calls you or not (which you cannot control) you will not answer (which you can control).

Boundary or Request?

  • Please do not invite John to the holiday party. 
    This is a request. It is someone else’s choice as to whom they invite. 

    I will not come to the holiday gathering if John is there. 
    This is a boundary. It is your action, within your control, based on your needs. 

  • Please treat me with respect.
    This is a request. You cannot control how another person treats you.

    If you yell, curse, or disrespect me, I will discontinue this conversation by hanging up the phone/leaving the room.
    This is a boundary. You can control your exposure to this behavior by leaving. 

A Tricky Real World Example

  • In this relationship, we agree to not cheat on each other. 
    Trick question! This is both a boundary and a request. You can control your actions: that you do not cheat. You cannot control whether or not your partner cheats on you.

    So, how do you set a boundary once an agreement has been broken in a way that is outside of your control? You follow up with another boundary that is within your control:

  • Because you cheated, I am breaking up with you.
    A request would sound like: Because you cheated, I would like us to go to couples therapy to understand what lead to your behavior and rebuild trust.  This is a request. Ultimately, both partners must agree to go to therapy. Therefore, this is not a boundary.

Summary

A boundary is a line you will not cross and an action you will take if someone crosses that line. A boundary pertains to you: your actions and your behavior. 

A boundary does NOT pertain to the other person, their actions, or their behavior. 

If you are setting a “boundary” and the words are about another person’s behavior, that is actually a request. You have no ability to enforce that because it is outside of your control. You can only control yourself and your behavior. 

Note: This is a simple teaching article and does not pertain to situations like abusive relationships and/or codependency where power dynamics are more complex. If you or someone you know is in an abusive situation or dealing with codependency, please reach out for therapy or to make a referral via our website. 

Briana Bogue Volpintesta, PhD, LMFT

Briana (she/her) is an individual, couple, and family therapist specializing in self-esteem and identity work, trauma, grief, dating and couples/relationships, anxiety, young adult life transitions, and sexual & emotional abuse recovery. She is trained in EMDR and uses a combination of EMDR and traditional talk therapy to work with clients to achieve their goals. Briana understands that therapy can be tough, and uses a collaborative approach to goal setting and treatment design. Briana is committed to practicing mindful, trauma-informed, and socially just therapy. She strives to practice anti-racist, feminist, LGBTQIA+ and non-monogamy friendly therapy, and seeks to create safe spaces for all clients that she has the privilege of working with. 

Specialties: EMDR, Grief, Trauma Recovery, Couples/Dating

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